​​Keeping Your Peace: Avoid Getting Baited In Contested Divorce/Custody Matters

When going through a divorce or contested custody case, one or both parties usually struggle to communicate. Sometimes, it can feel like the other party is baiting you. Sometimes they are.

Most people know that evidence, usually more than the testimony of the parties, is needed to be persuasive. Thus, people sometimes try to manufacture situations that will elicit a negative response. 

Communication Strategies to Avoid Being Baited

To avoid negative evidence being created, you need to protect your peace. You should consider the following in how and when to communicate with the other party:

1) Know Yourself – Being honest about who you are and how you react to the other person is vital. For example, if you know you are a screamer/yeller or quick to react, then stick to only communicating via text message and email.

Written communications allow you to read, edit, and read again before responding. Text messages and emails also allow you to delay responding and to “cool off” before saying something that can be used against you later. 

Avoid situations where the other party can record you reacting because many of those recordings can and will be used against you. Recordings can be powerful, especially where there are repeated incidents. 

2) Ignore the Noise – It’s typical for a party to try to bait the other person by repeatedly emailing or texting with false allegations or threats. Many clients feel like they must immediately respond and immediately deny and correct “the record.” That isn’t always necessary, and sometimes responding to “correct the record” can do more harm. 

Judges often see the back-and-forth as both parties being equally responsible for the poor communication. In custody cases, many parents wrongly believe that to effectively co-parent, they must respond to each statement regardless of its truth or relevance. Again, that isn’t the case. 

A short response denying the falsities and addressing only relevant portions of the email or text message is usually the best approach. For examples of how to respond, see Divorcing a Narcissist: How to Navigate High Conflict Divorce or Custody Matters.

3) Trust But Protect – If the opposing party is known to bait you at in-person encounters, make sure that a third party is present or make a habit of recording interactions. 

It is paramount that you follow local laws regarding recording, but if it is permitted, it can be helpful in defending against false allegations. It is understandable that judges often discourage recording the other person, especially at custodial exchanges, but sometimes opposing parties use in-person encounters to try and provoke a confrontation. 

Having a witness or having an audio recording of the alleged encounter can create a record to defend against false allegations. This does not mean that you should hold your phone and blatantly record the interaction. Doing so will create a wildly uncomfortable situation for the children and escalate tensions. 

If the other party is baiting you, do your best to ignore the baiting. Tell the opposing party that you two can discuss this later through written communications. Likely, the opposing party will be angered by your failure to take the bait. 

Stay the course, keep calm, and keep requesting that the party follow up with written communications. 

It is critical to your success that you work with seasoned counsel who can help fight against baiting tactics. The Family Law attorneys at The Geller Law Group are experienced litigators who can help you through one of the most difficult times in your life. Reach out to us today for a consultation.

Stephanie Sauer, Partner & Family Law Group Chair
DIRECT: 571-489-6852
ssauer@thegellerlawgroup.com