Divorcing a Narcissist: How to Navigate High Conflict Divorce or Custody Matters

By: Stephanie Sauer, Partner & Family Law Group Chair

Okay, let’s start with some facts. Studies suggest that up to 6.2% of the population would be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

However, even without diagnosis, many people can have narcissistic tendencies and behaviors that make it challenging and sometimes impossible to communicate, make decisions, and resolve conflicts effectively. 

If this is your spouse or partner, you’re likely frustrated and exhausted by the manipulation, deflection, harassment, and gaslighting. Often, divorce or custody cases with narcissistic parties are high-conflict and thus more litigious and expensive. 

It is important to have an experienced litigator who can navigate the high-conflict litigation or mediation process. 

Essential Strategies & Tips for Navigating High-Conflict Divorce

Below are two strategies and several tips to successfully navigate high conflict, narcissistic divorce and custody matters:

1. You Don’t Need to Prove The Other Party Is A Narcissist

Diagnosing the other party with NPD requires expert testimony. Usually, if you want the other party to undergo a mental health examination, you must get permission through a court order to do so. 

You may be required to pay for the mental health evaluation, which can cost, on average, at least $10,000.00. If your spouse is diagnosed with NPD, the expert would need to testify in court about the diagnosis and treatment, which is an additional expense. 

Without a formal diagnosis, you should avoid calling the other party a narcissist in court. Opposing counsel or party will object and the court will agree and sustain the objection. The label does not matter, the behaviors and impact of those behaviors matter.

What the court truly needs is evidence of narcissistic behaviors and the negative impacts on the family, child(ren), and/or you. It is imperative that you work with your counsel to present in a coherent fashion evidence of narcissistic behaviors and their impacts. With the right attorney, you can use many, small examples of narcissistic behaviors to prove the cumulative negative impact on the family, the child(ren), and/or you.  

2.  Setting Boundaries…For Your Benefit

Setting boundaries isn’t about changing the other parties’ behavior. Boundaries are about keeping you sane, safe, and out of situations where you could say or do something that is later used against you in court or mediation. There are several boundaries that can and should be discussed with your attorney and possibly implemented in your case. 

a. Boundaries for Physical Safety – Your first and paramount concern should be your physical safety. If there is a history of domestic violence or aggression, please speak with an attorney about how to ensure that you are physically safe. 

b. Court-Ordered Boundaries – Courts often allow each party to suggest provisions that should be included in any divorce or custody order. This is where a seasoned attorney can argue to the court that you need certain protections in place to avoid narcissistic behaviors and the negative impacts that result from the lack of protections and boundaries. 

For custody cases, many parents consider several of the following boundaries.

• Exchange Location: Speak with an attorney about the best way to avoid in-person conflict at exchanges. Should the exchange time be at the start of school? At a public place? With third parties present?   

• Communication Type – Many narcissists will try to force an in-person discussion knowing that it will lead to an argument that they are likely recording. As best as possible, keep all communications in writing, preferably in email. Keep in-person communication quick and polite. Communicating via writing allows you to review the other party’s communication and decide if it needs an immediate or prompt response. A best practice is to wait at least thirty minutes to respond unless it is a clear emergency. This will ensure that you are not pulled into an argument that you’ll later regret and possibly see used as evidence against you.

• Communication Frequency – Another tactic of a narcissist is to bombard the other party with frequent, lengthy communications. It can be overwhelming and exhausting. It is imperative that you speak with seasoned counsel about crafting communication protocols to protect your peace. We often ask for limitations on the number of emails that can be sent in a day or a week or the number of subjects that can be raised in one email. Setting up reasonable protocols early is helpful because it may help alleviate the frequent communications or, as is more likely the case, the narcissist will fail to abide by the protocols and then you have additional favorable evidence to be used at trial. 

• Communication Responses – As discussed above, narcissists are typically trying to provoke a response or interfere in your daily life. If you immediately respond, your response is probably one of anger or annoyance. Those responses aren’t helpful and are usually used as evidence against you in court. You want to avoid opposing counsel or party arguing that you are both equally culpable for the failures in communication and/or parenting. It is imperative to take a moment before responding to relevant emails or requests. Not every communication requires a thorough response. 
  
  Many communications from the other party will be filled with outright lies or harassment. You don’t need to invest your time, energy, or peace of mind in trying to “prove” how the statements are lies. You can respond with one of the following: (1) “That is not true.” (2) “You know that is not true.” (3) “We will have to agree to disagree.” (4) “I don’t think explaining why your statement is false will help us, so I’m not going to waste our time.” 
  
  The more difficult communications to navigate are those that include one or two pieces of relevant information but also include lies, harassment, and gaslighting. Having a seasoned attorney who can help you learn how to effectively respond to those types of communications not only sets you up for success now but also in the future. You don’t have to go it alone! 

Considerations & Next Steps

Every high-conflict divorce or custody case is different and requires individual strategies for success. The Family Law attorneys at The Geller Law Group are experienced litigators who can help you through one of the most difficult times in your life. 

Reach out to us today for a consultation if you’re contemplating a path to divorce.

Stephanie Sauer, Partner & Family Law Group Chair
DIRECT: 571-489-6852
ssauer@thegellerlawgroup.com